I have a problem with money.
I like to have it. I like to know where it is. I like to be in control of it.
I’m not talking about large quantities of money. Nor am I talking about a credit card, which can be a tool of Satan in a moment of weakness.
I’m talking about having my own personal stash of cash that nobody else has access to.
In the last six years, while I have worked full-time, I’ve maintained a joint checking account with thenoblehubby that was separate from the bill-paying account. From my account I have bought groceries, paid for my own gas, and squandered away small sums of money with which to buy small personal purchases. I have never denied thenoblehubby access to this account. At any point in time he could have walked into the bank and drained it all, if he so chose.
Of course, he was never crazy enough to do such a thing! Because the understanding, the unspoken but undeniably accepted truth, is that this was all MINE. And when I deposited the last paycheck at the end of May, knowing it would probably be my last regular paycheck for a long time, I began to panic. I became fearful.
What if I need money one day, and I can’t get my hands on it?
The big argument/miscommunication in my house this past week had to do with how much money I had stashed. I offered the stash to thenoblehubby in the last few months as we debated whether we could afford to keep our children in private Christian school while I stopped working to complete grad school. I named a dollar amount that I thought would be there when the time came for the first tuition payment, and we budgeted it accordingly.
Unfortunately, my calculations were off, which is why things got so nasty this week. But I took what I had, withdrawing everything save for 25 bucks…then handed the envelope of cash to thenoblehubby.
It was not an easy thing to do. I immediately began to fret realizing that I now had to rely completely on my husband to physically put money in my hands when I needed something. I worried what would happen the first time I got low on gas, or needed to run by CVS for a last minute birthday card…and realized I had no dough to blow.
This new system is going to require a lot of planning on our part, but more importantly, it’s going to require a lot of faith…not just in the Lord, but in my husband.
Let me be clear on one thing: My husband is the most amazing and devoted provider for his family that I know. I never, ever worry that my family’s needs won’t be met. What I worry, however, is that this new way of doing things will result in conflict.
If I need money, and he has brought no cash home, and I have to wait until the next day, how will that go? We are committed to using cash for expenses…Will I be tempted to secretly use the credit card in an act of impatience? I don’t want a checkbook…checkbooks and I have a sordid past. Will I wait for thenobledaughter to become distracted by the latest Wonka meme on Pinterest,…and then sneak into her room to “borrow” a little moolah?
I know that the Lord is telling me that this is part of the whole trust issue, the stepping out in faith. It’s not just about trusting Him….that part is really easy compared to trusting the husband he has called me to submit to. And when I handed over that cash, trust was on my mind….big time.
But I did it…and today, thenoblehubby proved to me that it’s all going to be okay.
I had to drop off thenobledaughter for a few days to visit with a friend who lives about 3 hours away. We met at the halfway point, and thinking about the long drive had me stressing yesterday. I knew the gas tank wasn’t full enough for the trip, but I forgot to ask thenoblehubby to bring me some extra cash for the road.
But it’s okay, because the man God designed, set apart, and gifted me with remembered my need. He filled my gas tank to the brim last night in anticipation. I literally almost cried when he told me.
Then this afternoon, before leaving town, thenobledaughter and I drove towards the family restaurant to get a free meal on our way out of town. About 10 minutes from the restaurant, my car died while idling at a red light.
Five minutes later, it did it again.
In panic mode, I called thenoblehubby, who instructed me to put in a quart of oil at the gas station, and pronto.
When we finally made it to the restaurant, he gave me $50 to get the oil changed before leaving town. He then gave me ANOTHER $50….totally unsolicited… because I was down to about 10 bucks in my purse.
And here I was worried and fretting?
But it gets even better. Right before bed tonight, I reminded him…a little nervously…that tomorrow night was our turn to provide a meal for our Friday night Bible study group. I had some change, but might need another $20 bucks…if he had it.
(Okay, must stop here to tell you that thenoblehubby just rolled over in his sleep and asked “Did you walk here to turn in your application?” Poor guy can’t stop thinking about work even in his sleep…)
Anyway, the money was given without any qualms, and then, to top it off, he threw in an extra $30 for me to spend when I hang out with some of my fellow P31’s tomorrow morning. I had already told him I was not planning on spending any money. And since we are going to some antique shops, we both knew how difficult that would be. But I did not need it and would be happy just window shopping. In the past, having no money to spend on myself would have been a bit depressing, to say the least. But spending money on myself is one of those things that simply cannot exist anymore if thenoblehubby and I are going to be able to make our new budget work.
No, I did not need any money for the shopping trip.
But the man God designed, set apart, and gifted me with wanted to bless me beyond my need.
What a wonderful reflection of Christ that my God has given me in thenoblehubby. For He, too, desires to give us not just what we need. When we are obedient, He desires to bless us beyond our imagination.
I can do a lot with $30. But I can do a lot more with the love of a Godly man. With the love of a Godly man, I can reach that excellence that I so desire. I can wake up each morning with an uplifted spirit. I can soften my rough edges and temper my weaknesses when they threaten to overpower my strengths. I can make it a little bit further on this noble journey.
God designed the whole submission thing not so He could play favorites, but because it was the perfect way to reflect His own love and grace. Thank you, Lord, for that reminder.
And thank you for the snoring bear next to me…I would be totally lost in this world without him.
(This blog was originally posted on my older blog, thenoblejourney.